After a month of agonizing about what I want to write about, I finally realized I've known it all along. I'll continue to write about what interests me. In fact, that's what this blog has always been about.
When I started it in February 2007, I was interested in writing about bipolar wellness, and illness to some degree. When my mother was so sick, I wrote about her, and about aging. When relationships with people confuse or hurt me, I write about them. When my behavior has embarrassed me, I've shared that as well. I also write about books I read, and an array of other topics and interests.
For years, I considered my eclectic outlook on life as a strength. I've never liked being pigeonholed. I've always pursued what interests me. I find new areas, become impassioned; some stick and some don't.
Once I was diagnosed as bipolar, I began to feel that my changing passions were problematic, that pursuing things with gusto and then abandoning them was a sign of illness, and that finding a niche and specializing in it would have been a better use of my time.
In the last few days, everything changed for me. As I focused on reading garden blogs, green blogs, and back to nature blogs, I finally realized that while I found them interesting, I also found them limiting. The fact is that all this green stuff is just one area of interest--among many.
I think it's great that people are passionate about gardening, but I've decided it's even better to be passionate about a range of activities.
And that's the answer in a nutshell. I am who I always have been. While my interests may change, what I never lose--no matter how confused I may seem--is my desire to share what I'm learning, to make sense of it, and to write about it.
Perhaps, the only limitation to this blog is the URL--bipolar wellness. Maybe, I just need to write under my own name, or maybe I keep the Wellness Writer moniker (with a different URL) and realize that most of what I write about probably fits under the wellness umbrella. And, it could be that Blogger is the best place to host this blog, but maybe Wordpress is. I'm not sure.
What I am sure about is this: writing is what defines me.
For a long time, I let people define me by bipolarity, but I no longer do. And perhaps in my haste to break free of this label--I threw out the baby with the bathwater.
In anticipation of my birthday, I felt this great need to clarify my life, to finally figure things out once and for all. And, in fact, that will never happen. And I've decided it's a good thing because it means I'm evolving rather than remaining stuck.
So...I've finally realized--after a period of feeling like I was totally lost, and very confused--that I'm not any longer. My great concern was that as I approached my 59th birthday, I wasn't where I want to be. I worried that I'd been wasting my time and talent, and hadn't made the contribution I had hope to--at this stage of my life.
But...the truth is that I've been writing for the last 20 years, and I've been perfecting my skills. I've been blogging for the last 26 months, and I feel good about what I've written.
Whether I write under the moniker of Wellness Writer or under my own name, people will either read me or they won't because of what I have to say. So...until I figure it all out, I'll continue blogging here, and perhaps on the Wordpress blog as well.
When I discussed my confusion and alarm about my behavior with my therapist, he said that many people who aren't bipolar vacillate. Few are as honest about it as I am.
So, perhaps, rather than feeling apologetic about my public display of confusion, I can view it as a strength. Unless we remain static, life is truly about transition. In my experience, most people hide their confusion. They are unwilling to disclose their unhappiness. They pretend everything is okay--even when it's not.
So, maybe sharing a bit of a "messy process" in a public venue is a good thing. Perhaps, it truly is a strength to be able to say, "I've been depressed, and confused. It was painful and difficult. I been working with a therapist to make sense of things. I've been reading books to gain different perspectives . I've gotten some great advice and support from some of you. And now I feel much better."
That said, see you tomorrow!