Sometimes I feel bad about my reclusiveness and sometimes I don't. I certainly have justification for my behavior. Over the years, there have been so many depressive episodes, so many canceled plans, so many birthday cards left unsent, so many milestones ignored (because my main concern was survival), and so many relationships damaged by my erratic behavior that was medication-induced--that many friendships have fallen by the wayside.
And during a decade of severe illness, I had to adapt to the restrictions it placed on me. Initially, it wasn't by choice. But perhaps after years of going forth into the world--and pushing myself to fit in--maybe my depressions caused me to reclaim my original personality type, which is introverted. In fact, many of my personal traits can be explained in the Myers Briggs Personality Test. An introvert has the following qualities:
- Think/reflect first, then act.
- Regularly require an amount of private time to recharge batteries.
- Motivated internally. Mind is sometimes so active, it is closed to the outside world.
- Prefer one-to-one communication and relationships.
- Act first/think later.
- Feel deprived when cutoff from interaction with the outside world.
- Usually open to and motivated by outside world of people and things.
- Enjoy wide variety and change in people relationships.
"Hi, my name is Susan Bernard. I 'd like to be your friend, but my personality does not remain constant these days. I need periods of solitude, although I sometimes enjoy interaction with the outside world. Sometimes I can be there for you--and sometimes I can't (although I will always respond to your emails if you let me know they are important.)
Sometimes I have bursts of energy, but sometimes I don't. I'm extraordinarily loyal although it may not seem so, given my absences. I can be outgoing, but usually I'm more quiet than that. My feelings are easily hurt. When there are problems between us, I cannot let them fester. I need to resolve them, and I will tell you how I feel (in writing because it's so much easier for me to express myself). And I hope you will do the same. My goal is to talk or write things through so that we can understand our differences and remain friends.
(more to come)