Friday, January 11, 2008

Bipolar Depression Blahs and Dreams

In a depressive episode, it's difficult to feel passionate about anything. But at the same time, I'm wondering where my passions have gone, and if they'll reappear? I used to say that if I had all the money in the world, I'd write books--which is what I was doing at the time. Now I wonder if writing was an escape as much as it was a passion. Was it the writing that kept me indoors or the illness? Perhaps I've spent so many years writing that maybe it's time to exercise a different side of my brain.

What I learned from my mother's dying days is that I could show love without using words. Maybe there's a better way for me to express my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. Lately, I have had this tremendous need to pursue "crafts" like woodworking or weaving. Since there are no classes close by, today I signed up for photography, badminton, and music theory--anticipating that I'll be well in a few weeks.

I'd love to work (a few days a week or a few hours a day) but I'm sick so often that it's impossible. Today, I spent hours online looking at places where I can volunteer but Los Angeles is so big that I'd have to drive hours just to get there.

Lately, I have been longing for a small community where I could work on different tasks and engage in different activities--dependent upon my health. When I'm depressed, the jobs that appeal to me are repetitive tasks that I can do outdoors (gardening, weeding, trail maintenance, painting, sanding, things like that).

When I am well, I imagine myself playing music for seniors, writing (but maybe something other than books), shooting great photographs, working as a blacksmith (I kid you not), traveling throughout the country on a motor cycle, attending folk schools, playing competitive badminton once I learn how, learning how to kayak, planting a vegetable garden, playing in a garage band, and establishing Bipolar Healing Centers.

I guess that the most difficult aspect of being bipolar is rapid cycling from the blahs to the dreams and back again.

FYI...we're driving our son to college and won't be home until Monday. I'll resume posting on Tuesday.

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