Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bipolar Anger (Part 1)

Although I had a lovely day, I got very angry later in the afternoon. It was personal; I'm not going to tell you what caused it, but I wrote the following in my journal:

For ten years I watched people "walk away" from me, whether it was because of an illness that was unrelenting, erratic behavior (caused by medication), a weight gain (caused by medication) that made me a pariah in body-beautiful La-La land, a diminution of status (caused by jobs that were less prestigious), and a loss of social standing (caused by a reduction of income, due to my inability to work).

I watched and I hurt and I mourned and I never said a word. What was there to say?

"I'm sorry you don't want to be my friend because I'm no longer an editor of Architectural Digest magazine or the Director of Corporation and Foundation Relations at Occidental College or the successful author of The Mommy Guide.

"I'm sorry you're looking at me with pity because I'm 30 pounds overweight and one-third of my hair has fallen out (because of Wellbutrin), and sometimes I perspire so profusely that my remaining hair is wet (medication once more), and sometimes I forget entire sentences (it's cognitive memory loss caused by medication).

"I'm sorry you find it uncomfortable to be with me because I seem sad, and I can't talk about current events, and haven't seen the latest films or eaten at the "hot" restaurants, or I can't stop talking and I can tell you everything that was on the news last night-verbatim."

These days, I'm sorry no more. When you hurt my feelings because you don't return my telephone calls or my emails, or try to usurp my authority, or you don't include me in your plans, or you're angry with me but you don't say why, I'm angry back.

I don't care if you're a BIP (bipolar person) or non-BIP. It only takes a moment to write, "I'm sorry I didn't respond to your email or telephone call; I was depressed or I've been really busy." It takes sensitivity to write, "I'm sorry I didn't think to include you in our plans. I forgot that you can now accept invitations in advance." It takes courage to write, "I'm sorry I didn't respond but I'm angry with you because...or you hurt my feelings because...but I love you and know we can resolve it."

I apologized for ten years. It's your turn. I'm sorry no more!

7 comments:

marja said...

I'm sorry you're feeling angry and bad. Is it anger or is it more hurt that you feel? When I'm bothered by things like what you speak of, I don't feel anger as much as hurt.

Syd said...

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. For what it's worth, I think it's great that you're finding ways to express your feelings. A doctor told me once that "depression is anger turned inwards". While I know that depression, at least in our case, is more complicated than that, but I do think there's something to the theory.

I'll write more to you privately, but wanted to leave a comment here too.

BamaGal said...

Susan--go ahead and feel the anger----too many people have accused me of "getting sick" when I express anger---which I flatly tell them---I am not "getting sick"---I'm mad.

My own brother thinks I'm suppose to walk around like a robot most of the time--feeling no emotion whatsoever. I say to heck with that.

Also wanted you to know you've been TAGGED for a little blogging fun--check out the link:

Back Across The Line: I've Been Tagged!!!

JayPeeFreely said...

Yeah, I can relate to what you are saying...

It is always amazing when (or where) people come into and out of your life.

I think some forget how much of a rollercoaster ride life is, whether you are BIP or not.

You try to set it aside. You would think with all the flakes in LA-LA you would have more snow in winter!

Marie said...

I think there is nothing wrong with anger in itself. The way we choose to express it is the challenge. We need to feel it and then let it go.

I guess that's why I have lived most of my adult life in a depressive funk. It seems I have a hard time letting go of anger.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. At least you wrote it out! I hope you can let it go somehow.

GAY BIPOLAR GUY said...

Anger has its plus side. It's an indicator of change that ought to come. I'm glad you've decided not to be sorry. It's usually not true and/or it demeans you. You do the best you can, and you ARE accomplishing many wonderful things. So, at a point such as this, I like to say to folks who are asses, "Oh, you can just____." (Fill in the blank.) Make new friends.

Carrie said...

Wow, I am still on my anger journey. Its rare that I actually let it show. My faith leads me one way, and it is a time laden process.

Your postings reminded me of a song (and of course I cannot remember who to credit) "we're not gonna take it, No! we're not gonna take it, we're not gonna take anymore!