Although I had a lovely day, I got very angry later in the afternoon. It was personal; I'm not going to tell you what caused it, but I wrote the following in my journal:For ten years I watched people "walk away" from me, whether it was because of an illness that was unrelenting, erratic behavior (caused by medication), a weight gain (caused by medication) that made me a pariah in body-beautiful La-La land, a diminution of status (caused by jobs that were less prestigious), and a loss of social standing (caused by a reduction of income, due to my inability to work).
I watched and I hurt and I mourned and I never said a word. What was there to say?
"I'm sorry you don't want to be my friend because I'm no longer an editor of Architectural Digest magazine or the Director of Corporation and Foundation Relations at Occidental College or the successful author of The Mommy Guide.
"I'm sorry you're looking at me with pity because I'm 30 pounds overweight and one-third of my hair has fallen out (because of Wellbutrin), and sometimes I perspire so profusely that my remaining hair is wet (medication once more), and sometimes I forget entire sentences (it's cognitive memory loss caused by medication).
"I'm sorry you find it uncomfortable to be with me because I seem sad, and I can't talk about current events, and haven't seen the latest films or eaten at the "hot" restaurants, or I can't stop talking and I can tell you everything that was on the news last night-verbatim."
These days, I'm sorry no more. When you hurt my feelings because you don't return my telephone calls or my emails, or try to usurp my authority, or you don't include me in your plans, or you're angry with me but you don't say why, I'm angry back.
I don't care if you're a BIP (bipolar person) or non-BIP. It only takes a moment to write, "I'm sorry I didn't respond to your email or telephone call; I was depressed or I've been really busy." It takes sensitivity to write, "I'm sorry I didn't think to include you in our plans. I forgot that you can now accept invitations in advance." It takes courage to write, "I'm sorry I didn't respond but I'm angry with you because...or you hurt my feelings because...but I love you and know we can resolve it."
I apologized for ten years. It's your turn. I'm sorry no more!