Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Bipolar Anger (Part 2)

I thought I was only going to write one post on bipolar anger but I need to follow up. However, first, I'd like to thank everyone--Marja, Syd, bamagal, jaypeefreely, Marie, and Gay Bipolar Guy--for their support. I so appreciated it.

Now, here's what happened. Two nights ago when I was so angry and wrote the journal entry about how I felt, the act of writing made me feel better. And then I posted it--and thought that would make me feel better too--but it ended up making me feel worse.

Why? Perhaps because I was sending forth such negative thoughts into cyberspace. Who knows? But the point is that last night, after spending a wonderful day with my husband and our good friends, I kept on dreaming about what I'd written. And each time I awakened, I felt worse and worse.

I think the problem could be categorized as "rumination," which just means that you keep replaying the bad stuff. In my case, I kept on thinking and thinking about all of the ways I felt slighted during the worst part of my illness, which lasted so many years.

This morning, before I awakened, I felt like I needed to come up with a creative way to rid myself of this anger--once and for all. I've written about forgiveness before and so has Syd, Marja, and perhaps some others as well. As I said then, I don't believe that everyone deserves to be forgiven.

I decided my mission was to "release my anger" rather than forgive the people who were so unkind and hurtful. So, I've decided to write a list of the worst transgressions. At first I thought about writing them on balloons and releasing them but the environmental impact of that was going to be a big negative.

My second idea was my best. Today, I'm going to a toy store where I plan on buying bubbles and bubble wands. I plan on looking at my Transgression List and ranking them 1, 2, and 3. I'll use a small wand for the ones, a bigger wand for the twos, and the largest wand for the threes.

On Friday, after I play Autoharp for my mom and her friends, I'm going across the street to the bluff overlooking the beach, and I'm going to participate in my first Bipolar Bubbling Away Anger event by reading each item aloud, and releasing a bubble for every transgression.

Stay tuned...

3 comments:

Marie said...

I unfortunately excel and "rumination". I think that is why I am stuck in the same place.

I too wrote a post a while back about forgiveness. I also agree that some people don't deserve forgiveness.

I am beginning to realize that if we don't let go to some degree we can't move forward.

GAY BIPOLAR GUY said...

#1) I'm sincerely happy I was able to write something that might be helpful
#2) "Ruminations"--great word. Do I ever ruminate too much! Maybe, it's a universal bipolar trait.
#3) Bubbles--what a great idea! Keep in mind that the bubles float away, and they also pop.

JayPeeFreely said...

I always found my best cure for being angry, upset and furious was to go to the batting cages and tee off on the machine. I'd spend about 5-7 dollars (usually about 150 pitches) on my frustration.

each time I'd pretend the face of the person was on the baseball, and whack! (And I can still hit good speed - 85+ MPH. )

The feeling you get from the energy needed of whacking a ball...you get tired, but it is better than whacking the person...Kinda like whack a mole...

From your friendly neighborhood whack job,
JPF