After years of experience, I know that the past few weeks could precipitate a depression if I’m not careful. Today, I was totally and completely exhausted and spent much of the day editing my manuscript and sleeping. For me, this is a smart move because if I don’t slow myself down, I can become depressed. If I can’t find a way to replenish myself, I can become depressed.
Again, for me the causes of a depression are a mixed bag. Extended hypomanias—even ones that are fairly benign—zap my energy. It feels like I’m giving a lot of myself to people and it’s draining.
While I love playing the Autoharp at my mom’s, it’s also quite exhausting. Not only do I perform, which I enjoy, but I also have to help many of the residents turn the pages of their song books and I find myself jumping up and down for almost 90 minutes.
Driving my mom up the coast was draining as well. As much as I hoped it would renew her spirits, it didn’t. And as much as I enjoyed myself, it was stressful. Although my mother has dementia and a multitude of physical problems, for the most part she is always glad to see me and I can feel her love. For the past few weeks, she’s been feeling lousy and even the strength of my spirit and love for her hasn’t seemed to make a difference. It’s difficult at best!
The incident with my dog Spike was stressful (and expensive). The aggravation over my sister’s behavior with my mother was stressful and infuriating.
I also know that I’ve been talking too much on the telephone. While I try to monitor myself, it’s difficult, and I feel bad if I think I’ve dominated conversations with others and spent too much time talking about myself.
What would be best would be for me to take a few days off and escape to the mountains or the beach with my husband and son. But my son has one week left of summer school and we only have the budget for one fairly brief vacation. We just learned that my son needs his wisdom teeth removed—another unexpected expense.
Finally, there are days when I wonder whether blogging is worth the effort. It's time to cut back a bit. What I really need to do is to finish the manuscript for my new book. A number of my bipolar friends have made comments (of which I'm truly appreciative), which I’m currently inputting into the manuscript but it takes a lot of time and I probably have five more days of work.
I had asked two doctors to review my manuscript. One read it but was too busy to truly evaluate it. The other never responded. (Again, this was very distressing. I wrote a second email and said, "If you're too busy, I'll understand but please let me know.") What I never can understand is being ignored.
I should be concentrating the rest of my efforts on generating freelance writing assignments and other revenue producing work rather than blogging. While I love to write my blogs, and while the number of people who read them has significantly increased, the feedback is about the same.
There are a small number of people who comment. It’s difficult to tell whether others don’t comment because I’m not meeting their needs or because the posts don’t resonate with them. Perhaps, like some other bloggers, I should limit my postings to twice a week. I need to look at this anew.
I'm taking a few days off and will return next week. By then, I'll know what schedule works best for now. Have a nice weekend!