(Some people pray aloud; some pray silently. I do both but I also write as a method of prayer. And because I'm a bit quirky, I frequently write letters to God.)
I've gotta tell you how grateful I am (Monday is my son's 18th birthday.) I'm hypomanic and having a little trouble sleeping so I figured I'd write to you now. You and I have had our moments these past 14 years. I thought the difficulties with this illness would never end. And I wondered how you could smote me when I had such a wonderful child and was actually such a good person.
But, it finally seems like everything is under control. It's not like I still don't suffer from occasional depressive episodes but they're far less severe and aren't as frequent. Most importantly, I seem to have figured out a lot about this illness. And I've started blogging about bipolar wellness and hopefully I am helping others.
However, that's not what I'm writing about in this letter. No, this time I just want to say, "Thank you." Despite all that's happened to me, my son is truly a wonder. I recently accepted an assignment where I'm writing about "new motherhood" and I've been reliving what it felt like almost 18 years ago--to give birth and become a mom for the first time at 39.
It truly was a peak life experience and remains so. I realize now how grateful I am that my illness wasn't diagnosed earlier. Had it been, and had I had such a difficult time years earlier, I might have felt that I shouldn't have a child. I undoubtedly would have worried about the impact of the illness on him. I would have known the statistics and would have been concerned that he could inherit the illness from me.
Worst of all, I might have questioned my suitability for motherhood!
But, the good news is that since it wasn't diagnosed until my son was four years old, I just "went for it." And I've got to say that my son has been my saving grace. In the darkest hours, I believe it was my love for him that saved me. I waited so long to have him that I never would have considered abandoning him.
It's a long story and one that I'll discuss more with you at a later date. I'm feeling a bit tired now and need to get some rest. But I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to be a mother at 39 and for having given birth to someone who's such an intelligent, kind, empathic, and wonderful person.
My love for him has saved me time and time again. For that, I am deeply grateful!