What I've Learned in 2009

Dear Friends,
I'm having a lovely holiday season. In fact, I feel the best I have in years. It's undoubtedly due to changing patterns that didn't produce happiness or joy, and developing new traditions that do (clearly an ongoing process).

Also, it's also due to all the months this year I spent in therapy in order to resolve old issues and move on. What I learned about myself (in a nutshell) is that I march to the beat of a different drummer. Whether it's due to bipolarity (my therapist didn't think it is) or not, I embrace life fully and completely. In putting myself out there...often times, I meet people who can't or won't meet me halfway. While that used to disappoint me, it doesn't any longer. I see it as their problem--not mine.

With the death of my mother, I now feel my own mortality, and that truly puts things in perspective. I realize that I'm just not interested in spending time with people who cannot honestly express their emotions or feel threatened that I can. I don't want to waste time on people who bemoan their situation, but do nothing to change things. I want to be with people who are enthusiastic, passionate, and uplifting.

When things don't work out, I no longer feel bad about it. I recognize that I have a God-given ability to problem solve (which is a wonderful gift although I truly didn't understand that) and find alternatives that work.

What I've also confirmed this year is that my orientation to life is different than many other people. Actually, it's always been that way, and it's a good thing. My values are different. What I want is different. And what makes me happy is different.

While it's not always easy to feel that way--and this surely was one of the causal factors of my depressive episodes--I know I can remain well if I follow my heart. So far, it's worked really well during the holidays, and I believe things will continue getting better and better.

I believe my happiness and joy have returned because I was able to release a lot of anger inside. I spent a long time in therapy discussing my mother's illness and death, and sharing my outrage over the behavior of my siblings, my mother's friends, and her doctors whose behavior was truly devastating. This was compounded because I had spent a decade--in which my doctors had prescribed medication that almost killed me--experiencing exactly the same kind of treatment from friends and relatives.

For a long time I felt that many of the people I had cared most about had destroyed my ability to trust, and my optimistic core, which has always been my trademark. What I learned is that talking things through...with someone who listens and has insight is a truly healing experience.

While there's a whole lot more I now understand, I have also learned there are things I'm not interested in sharing in a public forum. There are thoughts and feelings that need to be nurtured in silence. There are weeks and months when I need to stop blogging because there are times when writing feels intrusive rather than healing.

So...I am taking the rest of the year off to think, ponder, regroup, and refresh. Although I won't be blogging again until 2010, I wish you all a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. May we all experience peace, happiness, love, and joy. And I'll see you again in January!

Love,
Susan

Taking the Week Off

Sorry I didn't post this week. I'll be back next Monday!

Welllness Activities: Making Changes

Drought Tolerant Plants from Las Palitas Nursery

For those of you who commented about Thanksgiving, it was a huge success. My husband, son, and I loved the freedom of spending the day pursuing our interests and hobbies without having to cook, clean, and gird ourselves up for what can only be described as a high tension day with disappointing results.

The restaurant we'd picked for our celebration exceeded our expectations. It was festive and fun, but low key. While my husband is a turkey cooker extraordinaire, even he agreed it was the best turkey we ever ate. And, the rest of the courses were unbelievable. My son thought the candied yams were the best ever (He loves vegetables). My husband loved the sauteed Maine scallops (his choice of a first course) with mangoes, mango coulis, toasted almonds, organic mixed greens, and vanilla-satsuma tangerine vinaigrette. I thought the pumpkin pie was extraordinary. What more is there to say other than the fact that I didn't have to wash a ton of dishes and pots and pans?

And, the day itself was lovely. I spent most of it (and the rest of the weekend) gardening in my front yard. And, what I found most interesting (again) is how many people walk by and chat. Perhaps, it's because we live a half block away from a major street, and in our neighborhood people walk to do their errands and to a park and mall, which are a few blocks away.

On holidays, they also tend to walk around the block--either with their children, parents, and/or dogs. And, since I've been relandscaping a small portion of our hillside, I can't tell you how many people I don't know very well, said hi, and asked me what I was doing.

And I had lively discussions with people I do know (or who are related to people I know) despite the fact that my hands were caked with mud (so were my clothes for that matter), and I looked like a day laborer. One neighbor needed advice on a book she's writing. Another neighbor's parents were here from Northern California, and we had a lovely meet and greet conversation. Since I'd volunteered to help their daughter mulch (and slightly amend) the soil so that her newly planted Agapanthus don't die, they expressed their appreciation for my gardening expertise (which, as we all know is in a nascent stage).

What I realized is that front yard gardening is a true tonic. It allows me to combine my love for gardening with socialization. So...once I've finished planting a portion of my hillside (a truly difficult task given 30 years of ivy roots embedded in the soil), I'm going to redo our parkway (replacing the grass with drought tolerant plants), and perhaps even get rid of our patch of front lawn and plant vegetable boxes for Square Foot Gardening! How's that for a Thanksgiving weekend resolution?

P.S. The photo on the upper right is Mel Bartholomew, the Square Foot Gardening Guru.

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving!

In the United States, today is Thanksgiving. When I was a child it was my favorite holiday. I think the reason I loved it was because we always had dinner with my maternal grandparents--whom I adored. And, there was none of the commercialism of Christmas or Hanukkah. It wasn't about presents...just about love.

Once my grandparents died, I still loved Thanksgiving. But, after my father died (20 years ago), we began celebrating the holidays with different family members, and our rituals changed (for reasons I don't want to go into). Suffice it to say that there were now presents for every holiday, and a level of tension I'd never felt before.

As a result, my fall depression, which used to last for six weeks, extended through Christmas and beyond. When I look back on it, I wish I had "just said no" all those years ago instead of making myself ill.

Last year, we changed the way we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I was still severely depressed. This year, I figured out why. It was because I'd stopped celebrating all together. After so many years of hating the holidays, I couldn't remember how to enjoy them.

But, this year we're creating new rituals--which will evolve over time--and I've recovered the joyfulness I used to feel. Tomorrow is not only Thanksgiving, but it is my parents anniversary. When I think about how much I loved them, I feel so very grateful.

And when I think about how good I'm feeling, I realize that, for me, this seasonal depression was clearly triggered by situational events. A part of me feels so very sad that I didn't put my foot down many years ago, and "just say no, I won't celebrate the holidays this way."

But, another part of me is so very grateful that I was able to change the holiday dynamics so that my son will begin enjoying the holidays for the first time in years.

When I think of it, it's unbelievable that I allowed a holiday called Thanksgiving to turn into the worst day of the year for me. But, today, I feel so very happy that I can truly give thanks for all my blessings!

Feeling Better

My wellness program is working, and I'm feeling much better. It was a good idea to stop writing every day. It's nice to write once a week. And, I'm spending all my free time outdoors. Between working on my front yard and volunteering for community gardening projects, I'm feeling much better.

What I've learned is this: The best way for me to feel good is to be outdoors. When I feel low, I don't think about why I'm feeling bad nor do I worry about feeling depressed. I just go outside and begin digging in the soil.

This past weekend, my gardening friend and I worked with 50 volunteers to re-landscape a local elementary school. It was a great feel-good project. Not only did we have a great time, but the parents, teachers, and principal were so thrilled we helped out. Tomorrow, I'm going back to take photographs of all we accomplished, and I'll post them this as soon as I can.

I'm also walking my dog Jack at least once a day! And that, too, makes me feel good. And, Thanksgiving is on Thursday, and I've vowed that we're going to have a wonderful holiday. I bought a new pair of slacks and shoes. We've got reservations at this great restaurant. And, it's going to be a low-key and joyful holiday.

So...how are you feeling? What do you do to maintain your wellness?

P.S. I will be posting on Thanksgiving, which is Thursday. I plan to list some of the many things for which I'm grateful!