What I've Learned in 2009

Dear Friends,
I'm having a lovely holiday season. In fact, I feel the best I have in years. It's undoubtedly due to changing patterns that didn't produce happiness or joy, and developing new traditions that do (clearly an ongoing process).

Also, it's also due to all the months this year I spent in therapy in order to resolve old issues and move on. What I learned about myself (in a nutshell) is that I march to the beat of a different drummer. Whether it's due to bipolarity (my therapist didn't think it is) or not, I embrace life fully and completely. In putting myself out there...often times, I meet people who can't or won't meet me halfway. While that used to disappoint me, it doesn't any longer. I see it as their problem--not mine.

With the death of my mother, I now feel my own mortality, and that truly puts things in perspective. I realize that I'm just not interested in spending time with people who cannot honestly express their emotions or feel threatened that I can. I don't want to waste time on people who bemoan their situation, but do nothing to change things. I want to be with people who are enthusiastic, passionate, and uplifting.

When things don't work out, I no longer feel bad about it. I recognize that I have a God-given ability to problem solve (which is a wonderful gift although I truly didn't understand that) and find alternatives that work.

What I've also confirmed this year is that my orientation to life is different than many other people. Actually, it's always been that way, and it's a good thing. My values are different. What I want is different. And what makes me happy is different.

While it's not always easy to feel that way--and this surely was one of the causal factors of my depressive episodes--I know I can remain well if I follow my heart. So far, it's worked really well during the holidays, and I believe things will continue getting better and better.

I believe my happiness and joy have returned because I was able to release a lot of anger inside. I spent a long time in therapy discussing my mother's illness and death, and sharing my outrage over the behavior of my siblings, my mother's friends, and her doctors whose behavior was truly devastating. This was compounded because I had spent a decade--in which my doctors had prescribed medication that almost killed me--experiencing exactly the same kind of treatment from friends and relatives.

For a long time I felt that many of the people I had cared most about had destroyed my ability to trust, and my optimistic core, which has always been my trademark. What I learned is that talking things through...with someone who listens and has insight is a truly healing experience.

While there's a whole lot more I now understand, I have also learned there are things I'm not interested in sharing in a public forum. So, this is the end of my journey for now. Health and happiness to all!

Love,
Susan

Welllness Activities: Making Changes

Drought Tolerant Plants from Las Palitas Nursery

For those of you who commented about Thanksgiving, it was a huge success. My husband, son, and I loved the freedom of spending the day pursuing our interests and hobbies without having to cook, clean, and gird ourselves up for what can only be described as a high tension day with disappointing results.

The restaurant we'd picked for our celebration exceeded our expectations. It was festive and fun, but low key. While my husband is a turkey cooker extraordinaire, even he agreed it was the best turkey we ever ate. And, the rest of the courses were unbelievable. My son thought the candied yams were the best ever (He loves vegetables). My husband loved the sauteed Maine scallops (his choice of a first course) with mangoes, mango coulis, toasted almonds, organic mixed greens, and vanilla-satsuma tangerine vinaigrette. I thought the pumpkin pie was extraordinary. What more is there to say other than the fact that I didn't have to wash a ton of dishes and pots and pans?

And, the day itself was lovely. I spent most of it (and the rest of the weekend) gardening in my front yard. And, what I found most interesting (again) is how many people walk by and chat. Perhaps, it's because we live a half block away from a major street, and in our neighborhood people walk to do their errands and to a park and mall, which are a few blocks away.

On holidays, they also tend to walk around the block--either with their children, parents, and/or dogs. And, since I've been relandscaping a small portion of our hillside, I can't tell you how many people I don't know very well, said hi, and asked me what I was doing.

And I had lively discussions with people I do know (or who are related to people I know) despite the fact that my hands were caked with mud (so were my clothes for that matter), and I looked like a day laborer. One neighbor needed advice on a book she's writing. Another neighbor's parents were here from Northern California, and we had a lovely meet and greet conversation. Since I'd volunteered to help their daughter mulch (and slightly amend) the soil so that her newly planted Agapanthus don't die, they expressed their appreciation for my gardening expertise (which, as we all know is in a nascent stage).

What I realized is that front yard gardening is a true tonic. It allows me to combine my love for gardening with socialization. So...once I've finished planting a portion of my hillside (a truly difficult task given 30 years of ivy roots embedded in the soil), I'm going to redo our parkway (replacing the grass with drought tolerant plants), and perhaps even get rid of our patch of front lawn and plant vegetable boxes for Square Foot Gardening! How's that for a Thanksgiving weekend resolution?

P.S. The photo on the upper right is Mel Bartholomew, the Square Foot Gardening Guru.

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving!

In the United States, today is Thanksgiving. When I was a child it was my favorite holiday. I think the reason I loved it was because we always had dinner with my maternal grandparents--whom I adored. And, there was none of the commercialism of Christmas or Hanukkah. It wasn't about presents...just about love.

Once my grandparents died, I still loved Thanksgiving. But, after my father died (20 years ago), we began celebrating the holidays with different family members, and our rituals changed (for reasons I don't want to go into). Suffice it to say that there were now presents for every holiday, and a level of tension I'd never felt before.

As a result, my fall depression, which used to last for six weeks, extended through Christmas and beyond. When I look back on it, I wish I had "just said no" all those years ago instead of making myself ill.

Last year, we changed the way we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I was still severely depressed. This year, I figured out why. It was because I'd stopped celebrating all together. After so many years of hating the holidays, I couldn't remember how to enjoy them.

But, this year we're creating new rituals--which will evolve over time--and I've recovered the joyfulness I used to feel. Tomorrow is not only Thanksgiving, but it is my parents anniversary. When I think about how much I loved them, I feel so very grateful.

And when I think about how good I'm feeling, I realize that, for me, this seasonal depression was clearly triggered by situational events. A part of me feels so very sad that I didn't put my foot down many years ago, and "just say no, I won't celebrate the holidays this way."

But, another part of me is so very grateful that I was able to change the holiday dynamics so that my son will begin enjoying the holidays for the first time in years.

When I think of it, it's unbelievable that I allowed a holiday called Thanksgiving to turn into the worst day of the year for me. But, today, I feel so very happy that I can truly give thanks for all my blessings!

Coping with a Seasonal Mood Swing

The fact is that despite everything I do to overcome these seasonal mood swings, I'm not able to eliminate them--at least not now. That's not to say that I feel bad. I don't. I do have a low-grade depression, but the Adderall enables me to live with it.

The problem is that I'm just don't feel as well at this time of year as I do during my best months --which currently are April through September. But, I've decided this doesn't need to be a huge problem. I'll list the symptoms--as I see them--and the solutions.

1. I don't feel like writing my blog five days a week (until I have more energy). So...I've decided (for the time being) to only post on Mondays until I feel like posting more often.

2. For the most part, I don't feel like reading other blogs (for now), and commenting. I'll trust that my online friends will understand this, and realize that as soon as things change, I'll be there to support them.

3. I don't feel like socializing as much as usual. I've decided this is no longer the problem I once thought it was. I know plenty of people who are so busy that they rarely see their friends. I know others who are so self-absorbed that they rarely put themselves out for people. So...independent of the causal factors of my own situation, I've decided I no longer have to explain myself if I need more "alone time."

4. I don't feel like exercising as much as I usually do, except I know how important exercise is in reducing the symptoms of depression. So...I have vowed to continue walking the dog at least once a day, and to try to walk him twice because of the importance of exercise. If I need motivation, I have a few friends in the neighborhood with whom I can walk.

5. It difficult to motivate myself to do things I don't truly enjoy. I've decided that's okay. There are very few things I need to do that I don't enjoy.

6. The good news is that when I feel like this, I enjoy working on personal writing projects, and I have a few really good ideas that I plan on pursuing.

7. After a few months where I didn't feel like shooting photographs, my interest in photography is renewed, and this is a good hobby for me to pursue on my own.

8. Since I have problems with Thanksgiving and Christmas when I feel this way, I've come up with some new ways of celebrating the holidays that should make a huge difference. This year, my husband, son, and I are going to have Thanksgiving at a wonderful restaurant, and we're all looking forward to it. I'll write about our Christmas plans sometime soon.

9. My gardening projects still interest me, and that's a real relief. Next Saturday, I'm going to help my friend do the landscaping job at her daughter's elementary school. And I'm still working on a front yard and backyard project at my house.

10. Most of all, I'm going to accept the way I feel without judging myself. It's the way things are whether I would choose to be this way or not. I don't have to apologize. I don't have to feel bad. I can see all this as a "quirky personality trait" rather than a disability of sorts.

Wellness Activities: Gardening, Libraries, and Books

Sissinghurst Castle, Kent

Tuesday nights are my botany class, and although I decided not to go last night (I like the people, but I don't like the way the class is being taught), I spent the evening reading gardening books, which is my new passion.

Yesterday I went to a public library I rarely visit, but they had a book on hillside gardening that I wanted to check out. And, I had such a wonderful time that I've decided to start trying new libraries just for fun. It's less expensive than going to bookstores, one of my favorite places. And, I love libraries. What's better than going to someplace with a ton of books on so many interesting topics, and being able to take home so many...for free.

One of the books I chose is The Illustrated Garden Book, an anthology of gardening columns by Vita Sackville-West. She was an English author and poet, and created the garden at her home in Sissinghurst, Kent. I had known about her since college, when I took some women's history courses.

What I love about this book is Sackville-West's writing style. She writes delectable personal essays about gardening and flowers. And, since this is the kind of writing I may wish to do, not only am I enjoying the book, but I'm learning a lot.

As I spent hours reading her marvelous essays and poems, my experience confirmed why I'd chosen to miss class. I'm taking these gardening classes to learn. But, at this stage in my life, I'm truly not interested in listening to people talk who don't inspire me. So...while I may have to rethink my participation in this certificated program, I've realized that my true goal is to continue finding teachers (like my first one) whose love of gardening makes my heart soar!

What wellness activities/hobbies makes your heart soar?

P.S. I don't mean to blow my own horn, but Wendy Love wrote a wonderful essay about my blog in hers, and it made my day!